Why Are So Many Black Woman Single?
by Olayinka Aikens
There's no shortage of black men ladies, there's a shortage of reality.
A male friend of mine jokes all the time that black women over 30 are crazy. Of course if I was a weaker woman I might be offended but I am learning that when it comes to us dating black men we need to accept some of the blame for our situation. At some point we are going to have to some self-reflection. If 42% of black women are single, what is that saying about us?
Nightline recently profiled a group of "successful, attractive black women"who know what they want in a man. While it is good to know what you want, it is also good to understand that at some point your list of accomplishments are not going to impress the average man. Men don't care about what's on your resume, they care about how good of a woman you will be. Black men stress that they feel that they are often replaced in a relationship by their mate's accomplishments, thus being left to felt unimportant.
It is true that men are the weaker sex, but their needs are simple. Black men want to be supported, and this is not from a financial perspective. We are talking about emotional support that goes far beyond your degree and the fact that you own a house. They don't care about that. They care about you being a good listener, supportive of their ideas and patient.
One complaint that several of my male friends expressed to me is that one, a lot of women don't cook. They expect to be wined and dined at expensive restaurants when they won't even get in the kitchen and fry some chicken or cook some eggs in the morning. Contrary to popular belief, there are men who believe that a woman needs to be good in only two rooms: the kitchen and the bedroom. Jamal from Maryland says, "If I meet one more woman who tells me she doesn't cook...It's like, do you really expect me to go out to dinner every night just to pretend like we're doing something?" Jamal makes six figures for a telecom company and admits he loves black women but he hates some of their ideals. "They want a man to take care of them, but they don't want to take care of us."
Dante, a single engineer from Houston who is divorced says, "A lot of black women get caught up in what they on television and think all they need is a man with some money and a big house and nice car. While those things are nice, they are not going to sustain the relationship forever. At some point you have to face reality and know that eventually we'll have to have a conversation and quite frankly a car and house is not on my list of topics." Anthony of Richmond, California says he's, "Tired of all the weave, makeup, and excess weight. If you're not built like Halle Berry or Laila Ali, don't tell me I need to have a six-pack." As black woman who is not into weave or makeup much for that matter, I can attest to how overdone some women have become. We can't let television and entertainment fool us into thinking we can get away with looking a certain way on a daily basis. We have to remember less is more.
Warren, from Los Angeles says that a lot of women need to slow down. "They come on too strong and before you know it the thrill is gone." Men don't always want to move fast, and once you put yourself in the fast lane, it's very hard to get out.
Here's a few more suggestions:
- When it comes to meeting men, sometimes we are our own worst enemy. When dating, save the group outings for a girl's night out. Traveling in a pack of 4 or 5 females is not going to invite men to approach you. Most black men are not intimidated, but few will approach a woman no matter how beautiful she is, if she is rolling six deep to a party or event. Stick to one girlfriend and be friendly. Every man who approaches you may not be your type or husband material, but it doesn't hurt to be cordial. He may be the friend of your future husband. Guys like to play matchmaker with their friends as well. The goal is to engage in conversation, you might be surprised at who you end up liking.
- Upon engaging in conversation, let him do the talking. Trust me once you get him, you can talk about you later and he'll listen. But initially, let him guide the conversation. If it's boring you to tears, then you can run.
- Avoid too much makeup, perfume and hair. Yes, hair. Let Beyonce do the big weaves, keep your look elegant but understated. Let him see the real you.
- Abide by the he asks, he pays rule. If you asked him out, offer to pay, but most men will take the check if they are enjoying your company and you won't every have to worry about it again. It's a roll of the dice but a gentleman will offer to pay.
- Don't hold his past against him. People make mistakes and everyone was young once. If he's had a few bumps in the road but treats you like a queen, work with him. No one is perfect and there are a lot of good people who've been shot down and gotten back up. Go off how he treats you and how you feel inside when he's around.
- Stop listening to your single girlfriends. Some of them will give you horrible advice. If you want relationship role models, look at your friends who are in successful relationships and learn from them.
- Keep your mama out of your business. And any other nosy family members too. Meddling from family is a quick relationship killer. I have seen many marriages end this way on account of too much meddling. The only time there should be a concern or intervention from family is if there is some violence or abuse that is happening to you. Otherwise, keep your relationship private.
- Trust God and let him guide you. But if you want to get a man be proactive. He will not find you sitting on your couch with a birthday cake and a tray of wings sitting in front of you. You have to go out and meet fate. And that means getting off the couch.
- Maintain a positive attitude and don't be a hater. We all know the relationship haters, you get in one and they act funny toward you and you have to cut them off. But don't be a relationship honer either, don't rub your new man in your friend's faces and start telling them how pathetic they are, not cool. Keep it real and pleasant.
O
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